Who Are You Really? – AreanneLloyd.com

This page is for my new, forthcoming book called “Who Are You Really? – Dare to discover and BE your authentic self.” On this page you’ll find tidbits – tempting excerpts and bits from the book itself to hopefully set you thinking, maybe arguing with me, hopefully being intrigued enough to buy the book when it’s released.

Excerpt #1 – From the Introduction:

Authenticity. Not a new idea. We’ve heard it bandied about a lot the last couple of years – in ads, in politics, in dozens of books, as well as with regards to our personal human expression. So why yet another book on the subject? Well, for one thing, I’ve been feeling pushed for months to write one. Those of you who know me, who know my work, know that Spirit plays an important part in my thinking and doing, so the feeling of being pushed to write this book is the feeling of Spirit saying “Do it.” I’m hoping that this book will be the one that convinces you you’re worth the effort to experiment, explore and discover what it means for you to be your own authentic self. Possibility? Let’s find out.

What does it mean for me to be my authentic self? Let me tell you a story:

When I was in college I met a girl I’d known in high school. As we got reacquainted, she told me how everyone back then couldn’t understand why I was always alone. They saw me as dynamic and smart, and they often tried (sometimes even successfully) to get me to join in their activities. She was shocked to hear how painfully shy I was, how certain I was that no one really wanted me around. Try figuring that one out! I was amazed. I’d had no idea that anyone gave me a second thought.

How often have you learned something about your past that came as a surprise – because your image of yourself was so different from that of the people in your life.

I’m not that shy girl anymore. Shyness started giving way to self-acceptance more and more every year until now, whenever I tell people how shy I was as a child, they look at me in astonished disbelief. So where was my authenticity back then? I think it was buried under the pressure to conform, and the fear of judgment – something I think most of us experience to some extent. (I’ll talk more about that in Chapter Three.) The road to authenticity leads away from both of those and toward a more positive and much happier sense of self. Join me in my quest to find the true meaning of being one’s authentic self. Come along as I encourage you to have the courage to explore and experiment and arrive at your own authenticity. My hope is that you’ll view this book as an invitation to explore your own idea of how you can live more authentically you.

Excerpt #2 – [from the Introduction]:

I think life is all about gaining some type of self-awareness and gaining some type of peace about ourselves, which I think goes hand and hand with acceptance. And I think the search for, and the expression of our true/authentic selves may be what life is all about in the end. I also think though, it’s up to each of us to try and discover what our authentic self is….and then to actually truly believe it, which I think is the hardest part. Then once we think we have the start of an idea of what our authentic self is, then how to express it? It seems to be a two pronged question. First discovery, then expression.” What do you think about that?

If that idea or thought scares you or puts you off, then you’re not really a candidate for the search for your authentic self. This book isn’t for everyone. This book is for the intrepid among you who will dare to reveal to yourself – and then to the world – your true, authentic self. [End of Excerpt #2]

Excerpt #3 [From the Introduction]

It’s perfectly okay to keep your exploration a secret. During this process, the last thing you need to be worried about is other people witnessing what you’re doing and commenting on it or judging it in any way. So pick opportune moments when you’re on your own.

My own exploration (and this book) started with me journaling around the question of what exactly does the word ‘authentic’ mean? In that process, I started ‘hearing’ some interesting answers. Let me explain. What often happens when I’m writing is that Spirit comes through, adding to or responding to what I was/am getting down on the page.

Hearing from Spirit in the midst of my ruminations wasn’t anything new or surprising for me. I’ve been a trance channel for over 30 years[1] bringing Spirit through to help clients dissolve the obstacles to their own fulfillment and success.

All of that to explain how this book was co-written by me and The Guides. It’s a good thing. Having that input has expanded my own understanding and helped to create effective tools and practices to give you, my very dear reader, a leg up on getting to know your true, essential, authentic self. I’ll give you those in Chapters 5 and 6. You’ll see quotes from them throughout the book. Like this one:

[The Guides]: “So we ask you: do you want to be free? It’s an important question you must ask yourself as you embark on this quest. Because freedom isn’t for everyone. Many in your society are content to be led, guided, ordered about, because they’d rather not have to take responsibility for themselves, for their choices and decisions. You’ve heard the phrase, “The freedom of my chains.” Is that you? If so, you might as well stop reading right now. This book is not for you.”

Excerpt #4 – Introduction Continued

However, if the reason you’re not feeling free is because you don’t trust your own opinions, or you don’t feel qualified to make decisions for yourself or your family, or you don’t feel you have permission to express yourself the way you want to, then please! do not give up on yourself. This is the book for you. It’s for you if you’re struggling to control the stress. It’s for you if you’re frustrated by not feeling heard or seen. It’s for you if you know there’s a genuine “you” in there and you want to let her/him out but you don’t know how. And this book is for you if you’ve forgotten that there’s a difference between being the admired wife/hostess/company cog you are… and the core part of you that you keep hidden out of fear of someone’s disapproval. This book will help you get to a place of trusting yourself. It will give you the tools you need to grow your ability to hear your own true inner voice. What could be better than to be guided by that all-wise part of you that knows what to do in any given circumstance? It’s there. I promise you. It’s just waiting for you to get in touch. Start now. Say ‘hi,’ invite it to talk to you. That’s the first step in exploring your authenticity.

It’s okay to experiment. In fact, you have to – it’s the only way you’ll discover the truth, your truth. My hope is that what you read here will give you some tools to help you figure it out for yourself. But don’t expect this to be a blueprint, a definitive answer to knowing your own authenticity. A lot times, there really isn’t one single answer (a sad truth, I’m afraid, for those of us who want the black and white of it). It will help if you’ll keep your sense of humor solidly in place as you read and probably stumble (as I certainly have) over possibility, choice, paradox and contradiction. What I offer here is a sort of manual of exploration – an assist to help you learn how to think about your own authenticity, and then some practical ideas and tools to help you in your exploration.

Being your authentic self is not always easy, so – fair warning – embarking on this journey is a brave quest, full of stumbles and hesitations. I’m not telling you this to scare you off (why would I do that?!). I’m telling you this in the interest of full disclosure. I don’t want you to read this book thinking it will magically transform you into your most wonderful version of yourself. Wait – I take that back. Actually, it will. The thoughts I share with you and the ideas and action steps I suggest absolutely will lead you to that gloriously authentic version of you that will free you to be you – more than you ever imagined possible for yourself.

But it’s only fair to tell you, too, that your ability to show up authentically you may never be absolute or a hundred percent of the time. There will always be societal and familial considerations that will sometimes color your behavior. There will be uncertainties in figuring out which of several possible choices is truly authentically you .

But please don’t let any of that put you off. Because being authentic you is enormously life-affirming, and opens doors to more creativity, productivity, happiness and peace than you may ever have thought possible.

So if you’re someone who has the courage to face the unknown – the unknown you, the unknown world that you will step into – then breathe…and read on. Hopefully you’ll decide to let your goal be to glory in your life, much like Walt Whitman did when he wrote in Leaves of Grass, “There is a lot of me, and all so luscious.”

Thank you for taking this journey with me.

Excerpt #5 – From Chapter 1

One of the most famous quotes in literature is from Shakespeare. You probably know it. It’s this: “This above all: to thine own self be true”… (Hamlet, Act I, Scene III)

Of course, he follows that with: …”and it must follow as the night the day thou canst not then be false to any man.” But I’m not dealing with that part here. This book is about exploring and discovering how to be truly yourself. How you then comport yourself with others is entirely up to you (although the more authentic you allow yourself to be as you, the more your authenticity will influence your interactions with others).

It starts with paying attention – to yourself. For instance, you might be in a situation where you feel obliged to say or do one thing, but inside you’re feeling quite different. How many times have you found yourself smiling and nodding in a conversation just to be polite, when you’re really bored to tears, or distracted by things you need to do, or even thinking you’d just don’t like the person you’re talking to. There’s your first clue to your inauthenticity.

[The Guides] As you begin to explore your authenticity, it’s important to be asking yourself for affirmation. Because most of you don’t know. You’ve spent years fending off criticism and trying to get them to love you. You’ve spent years re-shaping yourselves to be acceptable to those whose approbation you seek. Now we ask you to seek your own. And as you begin to discover it, dare to BE it. Dare to let others see you being your authentic self.

Yes, some of them won’t like it. Those who are used to you being acquiescent, nice, cooperative, sweet, and all of those attributes that make their life easier – those people will rail against you, try to slap you down and push you back into the mold you’re trying to break out of.

Here’s an example of the conundrum of figuring out one’s authenticity: A friend came to visit one day when my kitchen was a mess. I was really embarrassed by my messy kitchen but I did absolutely nothing to clean it up or get it organized before she arrived. On purpose. I made a conscious decision to do nothing – challenging my sense of propriety, not to mention my upbringing as the child of a clean freak. We had a nice visit. She said nothing and did nothing to indicate she even noticed my messy kitchen. But the entire time I was aware of it and was feeling bad about it.

So which is the authentic me: the one who would clean up before company, or the one who doesn’t, who says, “Take me as I am.” Or is that just defiance?

I have to think about that. Considering these kinds of reactions and behaviors is the only way to find what is authentically me. I mean, I like having things neat, clean and organized, but I also really don’t mind messy. And I love going from messy and/or dirty to neat and clean. I think I get bored with neat and clean after a while. I think both are authentically me. A contradiction? Yes, maybe. (I talk more about the contradictions in our search for authenticity in Chapter 3.)

But what about the visit in the messy kitchen? What about my discomfort? Was that just fear of being judged? Was that a habit of what is acceptable from my childhood? Whichever it was, I think I would have preferred to have the kitchen cleaned up for the visit. So authentic me is a combination of upbringing (which we’ll discuss in Chapter 2) and my own sense of rightness.[1] ([1] This is a good place to remind you that keeping a healthy sense of humor is almost mandatory when facing these questions because for some questions there simply is no one answer and it helps if you can laugh at yourself.)

I’m sorry now that I didn’t ask my friend what she was thinking, or if she was judging me about it. I’m pretty sure she would have told me. Or if she wasn’t aware of a thought or judgment, my asking her would have had her thinking about it.

The thing is, we are vibrational beings. We function at varying vibrational frequencies. Every one of us feels others’ vibrations – consciously or subconsciously. It can be (and usually is) a very subtle sense. And the subtlety of that experience can confuse the heck out of us. “You’re saying this, but I’m sensing this other.” If the feeling you get from or about someone conflicts with what they are actually saying or doing, we don’t know what to trust. When relationships are built on that sort of foundation, it’s going to be a struggle to make it work. And I’m not just talking about romantic relationships. Friends and family fall under here, too. We want to trust the people we care for and about, but if we’re never sure they mean what they say or do, there’s always going to be a chink that weakens the whole structure.

[The Guides] “You are your most authentic when you are in joy – the pure expression of the essence of life – for all. Life loves itself and strives to grow, expand and thrive, and does so best in joy.”

Excerpt #6 – Continuing on from the previous excerpt:

But what does that say about anger, frustration, disappointment? Are those not also authentic emotions? Of course they are, and we all feel them at times. But anger and frustration are not open. If you pay attention when you’re feeling either of those, you’ll notice a sense of pulling in, of constriction. It’s a bit like squeezing a hose – the good water can’t get through. In joy, however, we are open, available, genuine. In joy we are not judging ourselves or anyone else – we are just allowing. Do you know what that feels like? It’s a little like being in love, that state of being where there’s nothing wrong with anything and everything is just wonderful. Would that we could live in that place always. But we can’t, can we? We live a life that places a lot of requirements on us. All the more reason to strive for authenticity, for our truest, most genuine expression and response to whatever happens. Because in spite of the possibility of others being less than thrilled with us at times, we are much more thrilled with ourselves when we dare to be in our truth.

Something else I think it’s important to say: you don’t have to do a huge makeover on yourself in order to be authentically you. It’s already there. What you already are at the core of who you are is divine, perfect, wonderful. I’m not kidding. You are! But most of us have forgotten that truth. We’ve covered it up with fear and necessity to the point that we despair of ever revealing it to ourselves. Take heart. It’s there and you can – reveal it to yourself. Some steps to get you started are spelled out in Chapter 6. But wait. Don’t go there yet. I promise not to be long-winded in talking about this, but I think it’ll help you get into the right frame of mind if you read in sequence.

A warning, however. Authenticity is not without contradiction. As in, “I feel this; but I have to do/say that.” Or “I really, really want to scream right now, but it’ll probably freak people out, and it certainly won’t get me what I want, so I’ll make myself be diplomatic/nice.” Of course, in that instance you have to decide if expressing yourself authentically (i.e., screaming your head off) will be more fulfilling, even if it doesn’t get the job done. One of the many conundrums of practicing authenticity – the necessity of staying aware of the choices before you all the time.

And that’s what it is, after all. Practicing. Or, more accurately, perhaps, exploring and experimenting. It’s the only way any of us can find out what our authentic expression is, even what we authentically feel. We have to try on thoughts, behaviors, and forms of expression in order to know what is the right way for us/me.

It’s not going to be necessarily straightforward or without some bumps along the way. That’s because when you decide to try this on for yourself, it’s might be a little scary; it might feel uncomfortable, even wrong. It’s kind of like a tennis player or golfer who’s done pretty well doing things their way for a long time. But they want more; they want even better. But getting that or having that will require changing some essential aspect of their game – their stance, for instance, or the way they hold the racket or swing the club. Initially, the new way feels awkward, it feels wrong. They want to go back to their old familiar way of doing things. But as they stick with it, they get more comfortable, more adept, and their scores start shooting through the roof.

That could happen with this, too. Experimenting with authenticity might feel really weird at first. But please – DO NOT GIVE UP! Persevere… and reap the rewards.

Excerpt #7 – From Chapt. 2

Overcoming Your Upbringing

“Your authentic self is who you are…before the world starts pushing you around and telling you who you’re supposed to be.” (Dr. Phil)

We come into this life with a personality and a way of expressing ourselves built-in and already present. Perhaps not yet fully formed, but there, and observable. And from our very first breath we are being molded and guided, pushed, shoved, and forced into becoming whatever image others project onto us. Misguided or not, consciously or unconsciously, our parents, teachers and guardians have an idea of what they want us to be – usually some reflection of themselves or some dream they’d had for themselves that never came to fruition. No matter how it began, others’ ideas of what we’re supposed to be is seldom aligned with who we know ourselves to be.

Our means of expression is limited to screaming, crying and pooping our pants. We can gurgle and smile, maybe even laugh. But the main way we’re able to voice our displeasure or frustration is by crying. It’s not that they want to deny us – at least not usually – but they don’t speak our language and we haven’t yet learned to speak theirs.

I’m reminded of a story I heard once about mothers in some African tribe who were so in tune with their babies, they knew exactly when the baby needed to suckle or pee or poop. They’d simply lift the baby out of its sling, and let it do what it needed to do. Can you imagine being that in tune with another person? But I digress…

I believe some of us come into this life full of love and joy, some of us, full of trepidation or wonder or anticipation or fear, or whatever. The point is, we come into this world with aspects of our authentic nature already formed and intact.[1]

And then we take that first breath. Oh, lord, the shock! Most of us wail. Or if we don’t, we get hit to make us wail. Now, I realize they do that in order to get the lungs functioning, which is, let’s face it, pretty important to our physical survival, but dear me, what an introduction to life on Planet Earth, eh?! I kind of want to say that it’s all downhill from there, but that really isn’t fair, is it? Most of us grow up in families or situations that are a mix of happy and not-so-happy. In other words, what we usually call normal.

I realize that none of this is new information. It’s been worked and re-worked and re-worked again in several disciplines of psychology and child-rearing. But it’s important to acknowledge the truth of it and I think it’s useful, too, to be reminded of it as we attempt to break free. For our purposes, it’s a jumping-off place.

We come in thinking we are the be-all and end-all of it all. According to research, we actually think everything around us – including our keepers – is merely an extension of ourselves. It takes a while to learn that there’s a difference between me and not me, so what we perceive as their neglect is not only upsetting but puzzling, too. And ultimately it feeds into the sense that there’s something wrong with me. “I want my diaper changed now! Why are you not even in the room? Why is no one there to tend to me? Am I not worth your care and attention?” So we’re told – by word and deed – that we’re unacceptable. Because that’s how it feels to us. “I’m hungry, why aren’t you feeding me? Why are you ignoring my cries? I guess I’m just not good enough.”

The point is that almost from the get-go, we’re in survival mode. We’ve gone from the safety and protection of the womb, to confused and scared in the world. Some of us – the lucky ones, I think – come in full of awe and wonder, eager to explore and experience.

Then we crawl, and learn to walk, and grab for things and put things in our mouths. And at every turn, the word we most often hear is, “No!” Sometimes accompanied by a slap.

We started really early learning to survive, learning to “get along,” learning to swallow our truth and control our behavior. If we didn’t, we chanced their anger, or their disappointment, or their disapproval. Or in some cases getting locked in a room without food. Very soon we began to teach ourselves “no.” We started saying “no” to our desires, our yearnings, our curiosity, our preferences.

It’s no wonder we struggle to be authentic. We had years of societal and parental pressures forcing us to conform. How many times did they say to us things that amounted to, “Be nice… go along and get along… don’t make waves… keep the peace… don’t be so selfish…” And of course that old standby: “What will the neighbors think!?”

Which is why so many of us bend over backwards to stay in their good graces. Many of us don’t, of course. There are those – like both my sisters – who went their own way, did as they pleased and damn the consequences. And of course there were always consequences. So the result is either passivity (as in my case) or rebellion (like my sisters).

To be clear, not all our care-takers are controlling and mean. They’re doing what they think will help us grow into productive, responsible adults. Nevertheless, much of what we grow up with, we also grow into. It becomes part of our identity, which is why it can be so very challenging to separate habitual me from authentic me.

Excerpt #8 – Continuation of Ch 2

I recently finished a book by one of my favorite murder mystery authors, G.M. Ford. My first thought was to see if my neighbors wanted to read it. They have similar tastes to mine when it comes to pleasure reading, so I thought they might enjoy this one. And immediately after that, I thought, “Is that me being dorky? Is that me making an assumption about something I know nothing about? Would they consider that kind of a dumb thing to do?” I just didn’t know, and I couldn’t decide if it would be stupid or helpful.

That’s my insecurity from childhood, from when I had no clue how to speak to and behave with my peers. There it was, rearing its head after years of being dormant. Of course the adult thing to do was to just ask them, which of course I ultimately did. But look at the gyrations I had to go through to get to that simple realization.

I tell you this so you’ll understand that embarking on the journey of self-discovery is a challenge. Challenges are okay, especially the ones that help you grow into a more authentic you, so please take this challenge and keep reading.

***********************************************************************

“…The first step toward self-esteem for most of us is not to learn, but to unlearn.
We need to demystify the forces that have told us what we should be before we can value
what we are.”

Gloria Steinem, Revolution From Within, Little, Brown & Co., 1993, p. 109

It’s hard to know my authentic self without seeing the way I live today as a reflection of the way I was raised. Whether I’m repeating the patterns of my childhood or rebelling against them and doing the opposite, I am still not free to be me. Until I’m aware of how those patterns show up in my present life, I cannot recognize, much less choose something different.

For instance: I believe my true nature is joyous, loving, kind and sharing. But I grew up terrified of my mother, pretty much scared of everything, horribly shy, and quite certain I didn’t fit in anywhere. Therefore, although I had two sisters, I grew up alone, because being alone was the only way I could fully relax and feel safe.

                         “Mistrust in oneself naturally leads to confidence in someone else, in a superior being…
                          through recourse to the will of God as expressed by someone else[1]… is to patiently embrace
                          difficult things through obedience.”[2]
                                                                                        15 Days of Prayer with St. Thomas Aquinas

Is this where it began – the mandate to obey? Is this how we were inculcated to humbling ourselves before authority, giving way to parents, teachers and others who insisted on ‘guiding’ us to deny our unique individuality, desires, preferences, ways of expressing? And after all, as I said above, some of it was necessary, wasn’t it? We have to learn to live peacefully and productively in society, and in order to do that, we have to quell some aspects of our expression to some extent under some circumstances. Right?

The hard part is discerning where to bend to conformity and obedience and where to rise up in vociferous objection and demand to be our true selves. It requires strong intention and constant vigilance to pay attention to our thoughts and behaviors in order to make those choices, moment to moment. That’s a tall order, I know. And most of us have too many demands on our time, our attention and our energy throughout the day to be able to do that.

But we can pick our moments. We can make ourselves pay attention for at least a few minutes every day in order to develop our ability to know, to grow our self-awareness. I’ll give you some specific how-to’s as we go on.

Let me close this chapter with a couple more quotes that I think state the case really well and will hopefully start you thinking about and building your intention to discover your own authenticity.

“To be nobody but myself-in a world which is doing its best, night and day,
to make me somebody else-means to fight the hardest battle any human can fight,
and never stop fighting.”
– e.e. cummings

Fight on, dear reader.

[1] Emphasis mine

[2] 15 Days of Prayer with St. Thomas Aquinas, Suzanne Vrai & André Pinet , Liguori Publications, 2000 (pp. 11-12)

[1] I also think we come into this world with baggage solidly in place from past lives – baggage that also influences how we form into this life. But that’s another subject altogether.

(For my other books, take a look at this page on Amazon.)

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